In the realms of my mighty fortress, I have found myself trapped under the bricks of the castles I constructed. The dust has blinded my eyes, the smoke has contaminated the air then right before my very eyes I saw the grandeur of my kingdom facing its ominous downfall. Tears have run down my cheeks while looking at my kingdom’s flag burning just a couple of meters away from me. I told myself that my sovereignty should not end this way and with only a few viable vertebrae working, I tried to get up to look for my scepter thinking that raising this tiny piece of metal would signal a payback time. However, my legs could not support me and they were too weak to bear my weight so I ended up being so frustrated about this disability.
Then I realised that all my earthly strategies of war, which I alone conceptualised failed me when I needed them the most. My mighty fortresses succumbed to the opponent’s valour and I was left with broken bricks around my helpless body. But it is only through this despair that I once again heard a very familiar tiny voice echoing around my kingdom. It was God’s comforting voice that suddenly lifted my soul up from this ruined land. So I laid down all my defenses and cried profusely as I screen the surrounding to search for His tiny voice.
Now, I am surrendering all that I am to Him even if it costs me everything. I would have not identified what my real battles were had I not experienced my downfall. In the middle of my battle I believe I have finally understood what Victory really means and so I surrender all my weapons of defense and lay my hopes and dreams to my Defender… my Friend… my Saviour…. my GOD! If relinquishing my earthly battles would mean sacrificing all my kingdoms, ambitions, and my other earthly gains then I will willingly give them all to the One who truly owns them. Everything I am and everything I have belongs to Him for this life I’m living is not my own. Just as Abraham laid Isaac on a sacrificial fire if all I have is all that my Creator desires then I surrender them all to Him…..
I may have lost my earthly battles, but God has redeemed me and has made me Victorious in His eyes!
You came to my world just in time when everything around was full of hatred and lies. You took away my infliction and used Your hands to uncover my blinded eyes and at that moment in time I saw love. Oh how I enjoyed every single story you shared to me, our neverending conversations on how the future would look like for You and me. So I thought how selfish I could be if I wouldn’t tell others about the promises You gave me as well as the great things You showed me. So at some point, my spirit was soaring high above the heavens only because You taught me the Physics of defying gravity. Then suddenly I lost You or perhaps You lost me, the gravity has overpowered me and pulled me down to earth and back to my ever vagrant feet.
I tried to understand Your absence while nurturing the anxieties within me and during that chronic despair I remembered You saying, “I would go and prepare a place for you.” I guess I was just too happy at that time and ignored Your proverbs but in spite of that, I’m missin’ you…… I really do…. So off I go to my journey, building houses on foundations I know would soon fail me and even if I know that sometime soon I will see the place you have prepared for me still I’m missing you. Day after day, my head is filled with dreams of gaining wealth from gold, but a shallow sound of breath of my hapless soul would awaken me from this daytime slumber. Then still I would convince my heart that someday gold will fade it’s value and there will only be one thing that I will always dream of having - - - To have You back in my arms again as You lead me to the place You have prepared for both You and me…. But then again, in reality my feet are planted here on earth and gold is what making this heathen world exist, so how much longer will it be until I get to see You and Your love again? Although I know that You love me but please tell me when can I be there with You? Night after night, I look up the stars (and wish it didn’t have to be so high, sigh!) wishing that they could tell me how You really love me but even if they never give me answers, I know that somewhere behind those twinkling stars, a perfect place awaits me and I hope that in my lengthy journey that place will never be given to someone else….
It’s quarter past 10 and my day is about to end but just before I put my eyes to rest I will remember this blog to remind me of how much happiness it gave me while reminiscing my past love… Such a lovely way to remember my Love.
Oh, I’m missing you.
Lord, I’m missin’ you.
I had heard the news that a Saviour was born in a manger long before I could fathom the reason of my existence. I am a lost king, traveling from afar in search for that bright light giving illumination to a place they call Bethlehem; but unlike other kings, I do not have a kingdom to rule, my sovereignty only extends within the realms of my cognition and personal space. I am a king of myself - - ruling my own destiny, governing my own free will, treasuring my rusty throne and wagging my own sceptre – but all these mean nothing for a traveler in quest for that majestic Bethlehem Star.
As a young king, I was taught of the prophecy that a Saviour on Christmas day would bring forth hope to one’s troubled soul. It also said that the great kings would pursue this Bethlehem star to behold the Baby who was and is the source of hope and riches, the kind that this world could not possibly offer. While growing up, I was looking up at that star but could hardly seem to find the right way to my Messiah. So many roads have offered possible routes that would lead to that manger but just to find out that I had been misled by promises of temporary hope and happiness. As a sojourner of this quest, many people have robbed all my riches; the treasures that I had long been keeping since I was a child had slipped away from my hands. As a young king, I knew that the kings of this world would travel from east to north and from south to west bringing with them gold, incense, myrrh, and all the best things that their kingdom could possibly offer to this beautiful Saviour. But here I am, an empty handed king with no presents to give nor best to offer to my Messiah. I am too shy to even stare at that majestic light for my eyes are filled with dirt and my body is clothed with blood flowing down from the wounds that I myself have inflicted. I was a hopeful king when I got to know of this prophecy, and although I still believe that my beautiful Saviour is somewhere out there I don’t know if I will ever get to that right path towards the manger. The saddest part was that I heard the news and got to see the light from above but was never halfway towards my Saviour.
This year, I will go on searching for the road to Bethlehem and although I have been robbed several times, I will not cease to find the face of my beautiful Saviour…
This year, I want to experience my Jesus like I have never experienced Him before….
When life starts to lose it’s glory and you feel like you’re a vagrant on a path to life, every road you take only leads you to a maze of impossibilities. That one’s search for love, life and purpose seems to hover in the same distance where the heavenly bodies sit in grandeur. But out of the heart of this burdened soul, I shall once again endevour to find hope in these endless battles of love, life and ominous failure; and like an agitated river rushing through the banks to meet the sea, I shall keep my spirits high in my search for this distant happiness.
Ask a lonely man of what is happiness and he will give you a diary of painful events, this is because his heart only recognizes the scars of the past and not the possibilities of overcoming them. The bribes of this world have blinded the eyes of people searching for one true happiness; a stable job, a fat wallet, or even a wonderful set of friends who, just like the other lonely people, could not also give a dose of their own desolation. Then what is there to hope for when everything else in this abundant yet dreary world offers promises of an indescribable happiness?…….. I guess this is the same question I have… A lonely guy in search of simple happiness…. Simple yet probably way too impossible to have. The things I have in my hands seem to be not enough and so everyday I wish that if everything falls apart I would find that single soul who will stand by me and walk with me on this journey to happiness. Many times I have fallen apart but there was none to pick me up, no face to look up to, and no hands to give me comfort. I am so wounded, yet nothing and nobody could stop the bleeding. There were times when I knew I was close to embracing my heart’s desire but only to find out that it was just a reflection of my wants. Nevertheless, I will never stop hoping that someday, somehow love’s face will consume my ever hungry soul….
In the quietness of my flaccid heart, one gentle heartbeat sustains its existence. This heartbeat echoes in every corner of my heart’s chambers shouting for only one name… your name.
Are you there? Can you hear the echoes of my crying heart? I know you’re close to me but it seems like the truth is leading you away from me. Why do you have to yield to this truth when there is a bigger truth that both you and I know of? That our hearts belong to each other and that we can fly across the universe with our wings complementing each other. My soul finds rest in your presence and your heart finds strength in my loving arms. This is the truth that both you and I could not possibly deny. For You and I my love, can readily testify that real people can love unconditionally.
But why are you still holding on to this small truth, why does your heart succumb to things that would inflict so much pain to yourself and to me, your true love? I have been trying to keep my sanity all this time…… been holding on to that thought that the universe would conspire in search for true love and that the waves of the sea will forever sing of our love….. I am hurting but I will love you greater than he does. This has always been my vow….. My promise… My destiny….. I love you.
I have tried my best to keep you but doing that does not mean the right thing to do. I have always wanted to despise you and even curse you for taking advantage of my love, for delaying everything even if it was all clear to you right from the very onset of this struggle… But I CAN NOT DO THAT, for my love for you breaks through all the barriers you’ve set upon me. It overcomes all the hatred and the hurt you’ve caused me. There is just soooo much love I can give to you but I guess you never acknowledged it, you never thought of my welfare… you have forgotten that I am a very delicate person who deliberately subjected myself to the lies that you have created. A lot of tears have fallen down from my eyes but you only stood there… you remained only as a witness… I only hoped for one thing…. A sound decision that only YOU can make!
You only knew one thing and that is to stay at middle ground, but little did you know that middle grounders get to receive the first bullet and the first ones to die. I have always wanted to salvage you from this possible loss, giving you options on how you could possibly come up with the right choices, but still you chose to be passive… You’re hurting two people and the only thing you did was to save yourself from the shame that you created.. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOU and you know that, it has never been my nature to hurt other people especially the ones I truly love…… YOU WILL STILL HAVE MY HEART but Im scared to be part of your lies again…. This has been too much for me to bear…..
I thought I was selfish, I thought I was a brat, I thought I could never be faithful, I thought I would never find love again....... But I was so wrong. Now that you're here, I have finally realised how good my heart is. Trying to bear all the hurt that you've caused me..... inflicting so much pain into my ever vulnerable soul.... but what can I do? I'm so helpless.... you are in my mind and in my soul yet you don't exist in my arms. You can never be mine for you belong to a world that gives you more life where the only inhabitant is someone whom you intend to share your forever with...
You will remain as a viable thought... just an imagination.... I am deeply hurt.... been taken for granted and this is just just too painful for me to bear....
Your love means so much to me…… I thrive in your presence……… My soul only yearns for you, my love. For it is only you who has put back the hope of yielding myself to great love; to be intoxicated by somebody’s presence…. to feel your warm embrace that even eternity could not possibly reckon.
My small and empty world only knew one thing - homeostasis, but when your love came my world lost it’s balance. I was moved by your loving embrace, your eyes have wandered across my world and have come to love every single part of it. And so I chose to welcome you in my world despite the absence of colour and diversity. You walked in gracefully looking straight to the very core of my world, touching my life and putting back the colours that have long been thrown into oblivion. You came….. you designed my world……… but now you’re leaving. You showed me love but could not fight for it… I’m not mad at you my love, for you left me with great memories that I will cherish in this lifetime.
How could I stand every single day without your loving embrace? I miss you so badly and it’s hurting me a lot. Even if it’s wrong to love you, even if I can’t be with you in your remaining existence on this earth my heart will stay beside you.
I have given you my vow….. I will overcome forever…. I will wait for you, my love….. will forever wait for you. =’(
They say than when God closes a door, He opens up the windows........ I guess that is an understatement when He closes something He grandiosely opens up the heavens for a shower of blessings. God may have ended my mother's journey but He has already begun planning ours and this is what I am so excited about. Although I must admit that it ain't easy to find closure after my mom's death, I know that my strength will soon surface as I face another milestone in my life.
Day by day God reveals Himself to me, providing me with alternatives on how to stand firm before a throng of unsainted angels who know nothing but to trap my ever friable spirit. Yes, I get trapped MOST of the time even until now, but His spirit never grows tired of chastising me showing me the things that will all the more make me want to be in His presence. I may not understand His faithfulness but I am forever grateful that He is my loving friend and father.
As I seemlessly integrate my spirit into another milestone, I keep my mom's memories alive in my heart and in my mind. I know that wherever I may be and whatever I will become there will always be someone up there who will rejoice with me if I experience triumph and will hear all my cries if I get wounded from a fight. I thank the Lord for my mom, for my dad, for my sisters, and above all for His spirit. Behold, a new Dennie!!
After my mom’s death, I have come to realise that the road I have traveled for decades now has led me to nowhere. I thought everything I owned and all decisions I made in the past would bring me to a more comfortable life, but I was darn wrong!! I was selfish…. And now I am starting to despise myself….. even trying to acquiesce with what the demon inside me has been telling me all these years, “dennie, you’re a person of low character; a rotten tomato; and everything you will do and plan to do will always be a major DEFEAT!”. Oh well, perhaps that is true… I deserve nothing but a million “pats on the shoulder” from contemporary zombies (living dead) welcoming their new member…. a member whose character is buried at the bottomless pit waiting for a colony of annelids to gather for a sumptuous meal.
Looking through my life’s journey, I have failed to acknowledge the people whom I have grown up with… my family, relatives and significant others. I was too stringent about navigating my life through my own means and discounting their presence, and then all I could see was light with no exact direction on how to get there. Long before I have recognized that I have taken them for granted, I have already destroyed a major piece of me and this piece is now thrown out to oblivion.
But now that God has summoned me to gear up and take the road yonder, I am ready to take another journey towards triumph and blessings. His gracious rod has revived me from slumber and I am gradually getting up to embrace my character’s resurrection. Although the human side of me will still be a roadblock, I will seek refuge from God should I face another defeat. I will not undervalue God’s ability to comprehend men’s earthly battles for I know that there are things that only He can fathom. The road yonder remains mysterious and nobody can tell from one’s point of view what it is like to be part of this light. All I know is that I will be traversing through majestic mountains with people whom I consider real and alive and I will value them deep in my heart as long as I live.
