In the quietness of my flaccid heart, one gentle heartbeat sustains its existence. This heartbeat echoes in every corner of my heart’s chambers shouting for only one name… your name.
Are you there? Can you hear the echoes of my crying heart? I know you’re close to me but it seems like the truth is leading you away from me. Why do you have to yield to this truth when there is a bigger truth that both you and I know of? That our hearts belong to each other and that we can fly across the universe with our wings complementing each other. My soul finds rest in your presence and your heart finds strength in my loving arms. This is the truth that both you and I could not possibly deny. For You and I my love, can readily testify that real people can love unconditionally.
But why are you still holding on to this small truth, why does your heart succumb to things that would inflict so much pain to yourself and to me, your true love? I have been trying to keep my sanity all this time…… been holding on to that thought that the universe would conspire in search for true love and that the waves of the sea will forever sing of our love….. I am hurting but I will love you greater than he does. This has always been my vow….. My promise… My destiny….. I love you.
I have tried my best to keep you but doing that does not mean the right thing to do. I have always wanted to despise you and even curse you for taking advantage of my love, for delaying everything even if it was all clear to you right from the very onset of this struggle… But I CAN NOT DO THAT, for my love for you breaks through all the barriers you’ve set upon me. It overcomes all the hatred and the hurt you’ve caused me. There is just soooo much love I can give to you but I guess you never acknowledged it, you never thought of my welfare… you have forgotten that I am a very delicate person who deliberately subjected myself to the lies that you have created. A lot of tears have fallen down from my eyes but you only stood there… you remained only as a witness… I only hoped for one thing…. A sound decision that only YOU can make!
You only knew one thing and that is to stay at middle ground, but little did you know that middle grounders get to receive the first bullet and the first ones to die. I have always wanted to salvage you from this possible loss, giving you options on how you could possibly come up with the right choices, but still you chose to be passive… You’re hurting two people and the only thing you did was to save yourself from the shame that you created.. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT YOU and you know that, it has never been my nature to hurt other people especially the ones I truly love…… YOU WILL STILL HAVE MY HEART but Im scared to be part of your lies again…. This has been too much for me to bear…..
I thought I was selfish, I thought I was a brat, I thought I could never be faithful, I thought I would never find love again....... But I was so wrong. Now that you're here, I have finally realised how good my heart is. Trying to bear all the hurt that you've caused me..... inflicting so much pain into my ever vulnerable soul.... but what can I do? I'm so helpless.... you are in my mind and in my soul yet you don't exist in my arms. You can never be mine for you belong to a world that gives you more life where the only inhabitant is someone whom you intend to share your forever with...
You will remain as a viable thought... just an imagination.... I am deeply hurt.... been taken for granted and this is just just too painful for me to bear....
Your love means so much to me…… I thrive in your presence……… My soul only yearns for you, my love. For it is only you who has put back the hope of yielding myself to great love; to be intoxicated by somebody’s presence…. to feel your warm embrace that even eternity could not possibly reckon.
My small and empty world only knew one thing - homeostasis, but when your love came my world lost it’s balance. I was moved by your loving embrace, your eyes have wandered across my world and have come to love every single part of it. And so I chose to welcome you in my world despite the absence of colour and diversity. You walked in gracefully looking straight to the very core of my world, touching my life and putting back the colours that have long been thrown into oblivion. You came….. you designed my world……… but now you’re leaving. You showed me love but could not fight for it… I’m not mad at you my love, for you left me with great memories that I will cherish in this lifetime.
How could I stand every single day without your loving embrace? I miss you so badly and it’s hurting me a lot. Even if it’s wrong to love you, even if I can’t be with you in your remaining existence on this earth my heart will stay beside you.
I have given you my vow….. I will overcome forever…. I will wait for you, my love….. will forever wait for you. =’(
They say than when God closes a door, He opens up the windows........ I guess that is an understatement when He closes something He grandiosely opens up the heavens for a shower of blessings. God may have ended my mother's journey but He has already begun planning ours and this is what I am so excited about. Although I must admit that it ain't easy to find closure after my mom's death, I know that my strength will soon surface as I face another milestone in my life.
Day by day God reveals Himself to me, providing me with alternatives on how to stand firm before a throng of unsainted angels who know nothing but to trap my ever friable spirit. Yes, I get trapped MOST of the time even until now, but His spirit never grows tired of chastising me showing me the things that will all the more make me want to be in His presence. I may not understand His faithfulness but I am forever grateful that He is my loving friend and father.
As I seemlessly integrate my spirit into another milestone, I keep my mom's memories alive in my heart and in my mind. I know that wherever I may be and whatever I will become there will always be someone up there who will rejoice with me if I experience triumph and will hear all my cries if I get wounded from a fight. I thank the Lord for my mom, for my dad, for my sisters, and above all for His spirit. Behold, a new Dennie!!
After my mom’s death, I have come to realise that the road I have traveled for decades now has led me to nowhere. I thought everything I owned and all decisions I made in the past would bring me to a more comfortable life, but I was darn wrong!! I was selfish…. And now I am starting to despise myself….. even trying to acquiesce with what the demon inside me has been telling me all these years, “dennie, you’re a person of low character; a rotten tomato; and everything you will do and plan to do will always be a major DEFEAT!”. Oh well, perhaps that is true… I deserve nothing but a million “pats on the shoulder” from contemporary zombies (living dead) welcoming their new member…. a member whose character is buried at the bottomless pit waiting for a colony of annelids to gather for a sumptuous meal.
Looking through my life’s journey, I have failed to acknowledge the people whom I have grown up with… my family, relatives and significant others. I was too stringent about navigating my life through my own means and discounting their presence, and then all I could see was light with no exact direction on how to get there. Long before I have recognized that I have taken them for granted, I have already destroyed a major piece of me and this piece is now thrown out to oblivion.
But now that God has summoned me to gear up and take the road yonder, I am ready to take another journey towards triumph and blessings. His gracious rod has revived me from slumber and I am gradually getting up to embrace my character’s resurrection. Although the human side of me will still be a roadblock, I will seek refuge from God should I face another defeat. I will not undervalue God’s ability to comprehend men’s earthly battles for I know that there are things that only He can fathom. The road yonder remains mysterious and nobody can tell from one’s point of view what it is like to be part of this light. All I know is that I will be traversing through majestic mountains with people whom I consider real and alive and I will value them deep in my heart as long as I live.
