Abstraction - A Poem of Love

Abstraction
21st March 2009
by: Dennie Comia


Never have I grasped
The mystery of the heart.
Never have I desired
being pulled up from this mire.
For my heart welcomes nothing
Other than the pain that is self-inflicting.

And just like a river
Anticipating its endless journey,
My heart’s odyssey has never seen favour.
For being one with the sea
Is merely an illusion
I don’t want to conceive.

But on that ordinary day
She came and made my heart wonder,
Why love suddenly refutes this unbelief
About things embellished by one’s fantasies.
So now I’m starting to have a glimpse
Of this myth I have never dared to kiss.

Should I embrace this myth
Or should I dismiss it?
My mind will never trust myself
For fear has taught my heart
To doubt love that can’t be sustained
By a heart that has been harshly wasted.
penned by: dennie

Inside The Lion's Den - A Poem

Inside The Lion’s Den – A Poem
19th March 2009
--denniecomia.multiply.com--

Looking up from this den,
The crescent light disappears
Now I am clothed with fear
For my future looks dim.

I do not want to stay here
And think that my end is near
For the beast can smell my fear
So Lord, come rescue me here.

As I wait for my demise
Speak to me this time
Or my strength will soon vanish
And into oblivion I shall perish.

The darkness covers my vision
As my senses shout for Your salvation.
Consume me with Your fire, my Saviour
And never keep me away from your favour.

Torn and wounded,
I cry unto You
Lord, burn this lair
But forget not my prayer.

With my remaining strength
I will seek for Your light
Blot out my depression
And sustain me in this flight.

--dennie comia--

At The Battle's Forefront - A Poem

How much longer will I wait
Until I see Your face?
How many battles must I win
Until I see your glory?
The blood stains in my chest are forever before me
But Your eyes seem indifferent towards me.

At the onset of this war
You said Your weapons would sustain me
But with my body’s frailty
The enemy has besieged my territory.
So with my remaining strength I go to you,
Refresh me, Oh Lord or I will lose this battle.

Distraught by the smoke
That this war has caused me.
I am succumbing to my defeat
Without any pride nor wit.
And with my remaining breath I say unto You,
“Why, O Lord, have You abandoned me?”

Chivalry has left me with a weak heartbeat
But even with this unexpected retreat
I will yield to Your Sovereignty
Knowing that You will empower me
To raise a flag of victory
Amid the ruins of my maladies.

So whether I am wounded or not
I will stand tall
For I know at the end
You will always cause me to triumph.
Therefore, I shall not fear death
For death does not exist.

- dennie comia -

Who Says You're Naked?!

I have always wondered why artists love to paint naked human subjects on their naked canvases. There must be something in the human body that they probably consider as mythical or even Harry-Potterish, but since I am not an artist, --- y’see, I can’t even draw a house, for Pete’s sake!!--- I will never get to appreciate the right geometry of the human anatomy. All I know is that it’s quite humiliating to be naked before a bunch of people holding different theories in their open minds, more so if they’re paying too much attention on the concavities and convexities of your asymmetrical body. If I were to flaunt my physical glory before a crowd --- ok, ok, I know this is more of a desperate dream, nyahahahaha!! --- guess which part of my body I will cover? …. Of course my face!! They can see the whole of me but not gossip about it because they wouldn’t know who the subject is, unless of course they’re too intrigued about what they’re seeing --- hiryago again dennie! This is already too much of a coping mechanism, have you taken your tranquilizers yet!! Hahaha --- that revealing my face will ultimately feed their brains’ satiety centres. Well, of course you know I’m just babbling and this is all non-sense, hahahaha. Kidding aside, mankind’s evolutionary development made us realise that nakedness is a humiliation, a taboo, and even a manifestation of some neurological imbalances, but what does being naked truly mean in the eyes of God? Is it a sin to be symbolically naked before God? These things I will humbly endevour to explore to make us realise how beautiful we are in God’s eyes.

The book of Genesis tells us about the Fall of Man, this was after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. When God was looking for Adam in the cool of the day, he answered, “I heard You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked. So I Hid.” Then God replied, “Who told you that you were naked?”… There are two things that I wish to emphasise on both of their responses; first Adam saw his nakedness, he saw the obvious, he saw the limitations whereas God saw the glory of His creation through Adam, and that he was not naked. You see, we are like Adam who thinks that what we see in ourselves is what we really are. I believe that in this life, we need to think mythically…. Oh yes, you read it right, we need to go by the myths of life, these are stories or teachings with or without determinable basis of a fact or a natural explanation BUT need to be construed on a different angle. Most of the time what we see is never quite what they seem, which explains why it takes wisdom to understand the intricacies or myths of life. Some people feel that they are worthless because they are poor and that their lives are not at par with their contemporaries. They dislike themselves for not being able to vanquish their battles, for not being smart, for being unattractive, for being in chains of some habitual sins and bondages, for failing their parents’ expectations, for not being able to perform well with their jobs, for being so obstinate about their principles just to hide their inequities, and the list goes on and on. These things are obvious and can be seen or experienced by one’s self with his/her day-to-day living. These may all be true and agreeably would affect one’s perception about him-/herself, but if you think mythically, what you see is never quite what they seem. We are the children of the Most High God, we were patterned into His likeness and that alone should guarantee us that His favour would always be upon us no matter how bad we’ve become or how bad the circumstances are around us. Where you are now does not determine your future, you may suffer some of the consequences of your wrong decisions but that does not mean that God’s only plan for you is to suffer. Your CHARACTER is the one thing that matters to God, He is not concerned of what you have become but more of WHO YOU ARE and WHOSE YOU ARE. I always say this to my small group at our church; God will not change the circumstances around you because He wants you to have a character, a kind that will truly reflect His identity through you, through us. Just because you have none does not mean you’re naked! God looks at us differently for our identity belongs to Him. We are His children. We were beautifully and wonderfully made by God. We are the apple of His eyes. We are highly favoured. We are loved. Nothing in this world can EVER take us away from God’s love, not even sin, not even our brokenness, not even our bondages. Amazing love!

The next time you feel that you have nothing and worthless, think again. God does not see your limitations; He looks at your heart and your true identity, which of course belongs to Him. You are never an accident in this world for God has purposefully created you to do great things for Him and for yourself. Let’s all be passionate about living, after all we only have one life to live.

In This Desert

You alone are the witness of my failures.
You alone know the weight of this chaos.
The troubles of this world have overcome me
With no soul to comfort me
For I am alone
Here in this desert

So I tried to seek you
But you seemed distant to me.
I tried to feel you
But you seemed cold to me.
When, Oh Lord, will you rescue me
Here in this desert.

In the coldness of this arid land
I curled up to keep myself warm.
And with a little hope lingering in my head
I thought of Your Cross and Your victory over death.
So I knew Your power could save me
Here in this desert.

So with my body failing
I cry out to you again.
Saying, “Lord, have compassion on me
For my wounds are ever upon me
And my chains, they have subdued me
Here in this Desert.

My Lord, I may not understand your plans
For Your thoughts are unfathomable.
All I know is that amidst these troubles
Your favor will surround me.
Your oasis will satisfy me
Here in this desert.

- dennie comia -

Living By The Dash

Most people dread the day they will face death but I reckon there is nothing to fear about dying if you really never existed. How can you end something that has not yet begun in the first place? Or should I ask, what could someone do to bring life to a living dead person? These are the things that every sapien silently asks to himself in his moments of introspection. Some people in this dreary old world only exist for one thing and that is to be happy, they search for places, people, and even practices which can ultimately bring forth reason for their existence. Some of us, on the other hand, only exist to gain earthly treasures just to find out that life is too short to actually gain everything. Death is inevitable and we all know that, God never designed us to be like worms, which can regenerate if one of its segments is cut off. We only have one life to live here on earth and we need to make every moment count. In a psychological perspective though (pardon my rusty explanation as I have been out of post-graduate school for quite a while now, geeeez!!), people live through a lot of developmental stages --- social, cognitive, physical and even behavioural. For some personality theorists (hmmm, I’m tryin’ to be one!), a couple of these stages should be strictly followed otherwise the person can not move to the next level of development, hence, the word fixation. Certain behavioural patterns will exhibit if these stages are not fully reached across the lifespan and this is one of the many ways that some psychologists (like me, ahem ahem!!) look at in understanding how a person behaves and lives his life. Moreover, one’s life is molded by a lot of factors both intrinsically (biological and behavioural) and extrinsically (socio-cultural) depending on how much impact these factors have in the person. Ultimately, every person’s goal is to achieve a genuine sense of individuality; an identity that sets him/her apart from other people. How one gets to the individuation stage is something that will determine how a person will live his/her life. For some doctrines of religion, this stage could be comparatively described as the Nirvana of life. But hey, I am a Christian! So please allow me to express my humble thoughts about living a life designed by the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

Looking at the epitaphs of people buried in the cemeteries, you will see one common description about the person ---- the day of birth and the day the person experienced rigor mortis (as my Anatomy teacher would word it - - now I’m missing our class’ cadaver, her name was “Skelly” short for skeleton, Lolz!), but which is really important between the two? I guess nobody will really care unless if you’re into numerology or other New Age practices. To me, it’s the LITTLE DASH between the dates that truly matters. That short tiny dash represents a lot of things, it makes you wonder, how much this person mazimised his life on earth. How many struggles did he experience, how many battles he fought, what were his dreams, how many times did he laugh, how many litres of tears did he shed, and above all how did he live his life? That short DASH means a lot to God and He makes a long account of one’s life through it. I mentioned earlier that life is too short but God is so gracious to give us so many chances to fathom its meaning, to enjoy it and have it to the FULL! People today live for nothing because their principles are so twisted, thinking that the only way to live one’s life is to enjoy it, do good works (we can not be saved in doing good works but only through God’s grace), and earn more money. They have purposefully removed love, victory, faith, eternity, and God out of the equation because these things are too intricate to measure and understand. To God, our life is just but a handbreadth and if we spend our time living up for earthly principles of happiness we will die feeling discontented because we will always have something to long for even in our death bed. The journey of life commences when we begin to realise that we are dead to sin and that no matter how much effort we do to put meaning into our being these things will only fall short from experiencing God’s victory over human strife. No matter how rich and fulfilled you are in the eyes of the people, God knows what’s happening on the inside - - a life of guilt, depression, addiction, deception, animosity and discontent. These things will bury us in a bottomless pit where life is nil. A person may also be intelligent and does not need to believe on something that he does not see, but God will choose the foolish things of this world to shame the wise and this person will stand before God and He won’t acknowledge him for he chose to live his life according to how he designed it minus the will of the One who created him. As a Christian, we need to understand that we died with Jesus on the cross but since death could not hold Him down, He rose from the dead and now we live in Him and we are alive. We can never have a perfect life because we are not perfect, God knows that we can never be good enough for Him but because He is so gracious He makes us feel that no matter how many times we disappoint He remains faithful and still gives us His favor in everything we do.

A life of obedience means a life of abundance; this means that no matter how few the fishes and loaves are in your basket as long as you obey, God can multiply them to feed thousands of people who will soon be blessed because of your obedience to God. If God is telling us to do things now, then we shouldn’t be putting them off because we might not be able to do them in the future. A dirty pan if left unwashed for several days will become so difficult to wash, the same thing with our relationships. If God is asking you to heal that relationship with someone (mom, dad, friends, boss, etc.) but you keep on putting it off, our hearts will soon become calloused and we might not be able to re-build those broken relationships in the future. Life is too short to be spent with hatred, unforgiveness, and guilt. Night after night you go to your beds feeling frustrated about your broken relationships, but God can free you from those bondages if you only choose to obey and not procrastinate. What are you putting off today? Tomorrow might not come and you might suffer the consequences of disobedience. A disobedient life will only force God to disown you before His Holy Father.

Living a life with Christ is a decision that we need to nurture whether things go against our way or our way. Remember, that the true test of living a God-designed life is reflected on how we respond to struggles. In my quiet times with God, I ask Him a lot of questions about what’s been happening in my life, why He’s hiding His face from me, why He’s forsaken me in my wilderness, why He’s not answering my prayers but since I made a decision to live my life in Christ then I must accept His will even if I don’t understand it. I don’t want to rebel against God just because He’s not answering my needs; I know that I have only one life to live and I don’t want to spend it trying to figure out God’s perfect plan for me. For I know that everything works together for good to those who love God… Let’s all make every moment count, after all we only have one life to live!!

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain
a heart of wisdom.”
Psalms 90:12

Staying In My Wilderness - A Prayer

“Lord, I am tired, broken, empty-handed, and helpless. I know that you have delivered me from my old wilderness and endevoured to bring me to a land of comfort and victory but this Fertile Crescent was and has never been real to me, or perhaps I am just too blind to see it over yonder. Under this scorching heat of the sun, I am gradually losing my spirit’s sanity; seated on the sand of this cornerless desert, Lord, I just want to hide my face, my skin, my everything underneath these clothes but the intensity of the heat penetrates through my body and I am slowly deteriorating. Father, you know that I can never be good enough for you and all my attempts to become closer to you seem to fall short from your expectations. I feel so embarrassed before a throng of unscrupulous vultures who are watching my every move and so I thought that perhaps to them I am already a dead body ready to be eaten. God, why are you hiding your face again from me, it seems that no matter how many times I stand up and call your name I still don’t get your strength. Please don’t forsake me here in my wilderness, for You know how pure my heart is and how much I desire to please You, but sometimes I let things happen against Your will and every time I do this my strength to overcome goes out of me and then questions on identity set in.”

“Jesus, I pray for Your joy and strength to fill the emptiness of my soul. I want to see the cross and the holes in the palms of Your Hands to make me remember how much you love me. Embrace me tonight. Remove the clouds from the sky so I can see the moon and the stars. God, if it takes forever for me to learn Your ways then I am willing to stay in my wilderness no matter how long it takes. I love you, Jesus…. wherever you are. Amen.”

From Bethlehem's Manger To Calvary's Cross

I have finally found the star in Bethlehem directing me to a place that everybody is looking for. Some people may have followed different stars in their journey and ended up finding earthly treasures placed in golden chests, which gave temporary elation to their very soul. However, as for me the star which I chose to follow, led me to the manger where a newborn Baby was lying so comfortably with nothing but a club of animals rejoicing with this glorious sight.

In my last year’s blog entry (Bethlehem’s Star and the Lost King – December 2007), I wrote there that my only wish for 2008 was to experience my Jesus like I had never experienced Him before. True enough, my journey’s highlight for this year was when I met my Jesus AGAIN in a very unexpected place - - - THE MANGER. From afar, the star was shining so brightly down to that manger, it was dark outside yet THAT STAR gave me so much hope amidst the vastness of that strange place. You see, I was a traveler, a lost king whose sovereignty only extended within the realms of my cognition and personal space. I was nothing, my identity then belonged to nobody, and I was just an inhabitant of this dreary world who never got to appreciate the best of everything. Looking at that bright star, my anxieties of not finding something at the end of my journey (while other people had already found their earthly treasures) was very apparent. The darkness instilled so much fear in me thinking that any moment a starving predator could come up before me and gang up on me for a gastronomical feast. This fear did not last for the star gave me direction towards a sure place somewhere in the dark. It was very strange that despite the darkness and uncertainties around that deserted place, peace was strongly felt. Unlike the evolution of fear, mankind during the prehistoric years was afraid of the dark because they were the popular preys of creatures lurking around unfamiliar places. What I experienced though was pure peace amidst that darkness. Jesus was born not during a sunny day but He was introduced to this world where darkness was all around the sky. This awesome truth speaks of God’s AMAZING GRACE that He came to give us hope in this weary world. The manger speaks of emptiness, poverty, grief, and failed accomplishments but Baby Jesus on that night gave real light and freedom from these bondages. I was a witness of His birth, His self-sufficient light, and His comforting and glorious presence. I experienced Him. I saw His face. I stayed in that manger for a long time to recuperate from my brokenness and despair. All my life as a traveler, I never understood the purpose of my journey for everything I saw and experienced was temporary. Nothing could give me meaning until that night in Bethlehem. Baby Jesus’ giggles, every time I look at His face, gave me an assurance that despite the dirt on my face He appreciates me. His presence made me realise that my purpose in life is to tell everyone about my encounter with Him so that they, too, can experience REAL JOY that only comes from Him. I may have not found the earthly treasures just like what others found in their journeys, but my true treasures are with Jesus and I know that right at this very moment He is preparing a place for me in Heaven. When the time comes that I will meet Him face to face, He will show me my real treasures in the place He has prepared for me.

Just before my attempt to carry Baby Jesus, the noise on this earth has awakened me. Everything was just a dream, but I knew that I was transported to Bethlehem to rekindle the faith that I once had before I got enticed by this glittering world. I woke up with an unexplainable joy and peace in my heart and reckoned that I was really there in Bethlehem. If only the people of this planet could fathom God’s love then we can all experience how it is to be saved by His grace. It is just too sad to look at this world filled with emptiness and greed; God gave His son Jesus to give light and purpose to each of us but mankind has resorted to their own wicked ways and because of this Jesus’ death on the cross was inevitable. From Bethlehem’s manger, we all have crucified Christ in Calvary. He could have opted not to be crucified, Jesus could have used His powers not to suffer from the hands of the people He created but because of His pure love He thought of YOU and ME in every step He made towards death. Every time I look at the cross, I see His love and His amazing grace. What about you? Are you still crucifying Him with how you’ve been living your life?

I was a witness of His birth and His light yet I crucified Him. Every blood that dropped from His broken body reminds me of how precious my life was/is to Him that He took the place for me and He thought of me above all things. From Bethlehem’s Manger to Calvary’s Cross, both places signify my salvation and freedom, I pray that all of you who’s reading this blog entry will have a new perspective of who Jesus is in your life. Merry Christmas to all of you!

Are You God's Pituitary

Fascinated with how brain works, I have always dreamt of acquiring a PhD on either Behavioural Genetics or Neuropsychology but you see the demands of work and time constraints have never failed to paralyse this dream. Oh, and not to mention financial limitation which all the more disrupts my cerebral homeostasis (anyone willing to raise a fund for me? Nyahahaha!!). However, this does not in any way stop me from being astonished by this part of the human anatomy. For it is in this dream that God is making me realise how limited our neuronal cells are despite their vast number. So I guess you would give me this liberty to displace my frustrations of becoming a Neuropsychologist by this “uber” pretentious journal, nyahahaha!

Even at a very young age I knew I was very competitive, always wanting to be the first in the class ---- **clears throat** only because I was always first in the line during flag ceremonies, class pictures and all those VERY discriminating activities that would require the class to fall in line. Ok, Ok I was….. or should I say I am a midget! **eyeballs rolling - right foot tapping** . You see, I grew up to be the 3rd shortest (I had always been one of the runners-up) among our class, which is why I despised my genes. It’s as if when God poured out His perfect genetic design for my clan, my mouth and my legs were widely open to embrace the dominant trait of dwarfism. Here’s the thing, one can never change a genetic composition, it’s the blueprint of our humanity. Genes are predefined so we can’t alter them just as we Christians are predestined by God according to His will (Eph 1:11). So I am now forced to love my height and be happy about it, awwww! Physiologically speaking, our brain still contributes growth during our childhood years until one reaches early adulthood. Consequently, I was a bit pacified by that fact and was compelled to believe that I could still grow a couple of inches more (I was only 4’11 during my elementary and early high school years --- is there a prize for being too honest?! nuni-nuni-nu) post my childhood years (by the way I’m now 5’8…. Oh c’mon Dennie I thought you’ve been released from your bondages?! ---- Ok, Ok I’m only 5’6 **sighs heavily**). I remember during my Biology class back in high school, there was one gland in our body that spiked my attention - - - the PITUITARY GLAND. You know why, because until now I have never stopped admiring this vital gland in our body situated at the bottom of the hypothalamus at the base of the brain only because it’s just about a size of a PEA….. Yup, you read it right, it’s as tiny as a pea yet is a very crucial gland. What perplexes me even more is that this pea-sized gland is necessary for GROWTH!!! weird – huh!! Yes, folks, this gland produces all of our growth hormones including Somatotropin, which is one of the most active growth hormones during our growing years. This paradoxical truth in human physiology can strongly be related to how God values us as individuals regardless of our limitations. No matter how tiny and insignificant our lives may seem, God will use us if we live our lives according to His purpose. Despite the pituitary gland’s minute structure, inside it are overflowing hormones that promote growth, and not to mention its role in controlling the functions of almost all other endocrine glands in the body. In the same way, God looks at what is inside of us and not our stature, profession, skills nor our influences. We can all be like the psalmist David, who despite his stature God saw the purity in his spirit and became one of the most influential Bible characters that we’ve ever known. My heart is overflowing with joy because I know that day by day God is increasing my faith, I used my miserable past to compare what it is like to be truly intoxicated by His love and grace. Yes, I am an insignificant person to some people but in the deepest recesses of my hypothalamus, I know that God’s purpose for me is to become great and He will gradually increase my territory. I want to be His Pituitary that despite my limitations in the natural I will be supernaturally lifted up way beyond ALL impossibilities….

So I encourage everyone to see yourselves the way God sees you. Let’s not stagnate our growth only because of natural limitations for God looks at the heart and our desire to be used by Him. I speak of growth to everyone who reads this journal for God will use you as His pituitary.

“Until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the
Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of
Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves
and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and
craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in
love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ"
Ephesians 4:13-15

The Science Of Christian Faith

Pardon for being “geeky” today, but allow me to freeze your mind as you flaccidly subject yourselves to a scientific journey towards the universe…. 1……..2………3…….. Troposphere…… Stratosphere…… you are now on top of the Ozone…… a little higher and you are just above Mesosphere and Ionosphere…. Then Voila! You see everything hovering up in the air and as you look down the Earth it looks just as big as the palms of your hand…. At this point you are starting to realise that God is soooo powerful… holding the entire universe by His own hands… But hey, wait-a-sec, don’t cry just as yet (freeze up your tears, will you?!) for our journey doesn’t end here, I still want you to see the Earth’s position around the mighty Sun………. this is my journal for this week.

Just imagine that our shuttle is situated a million miles away from the Earth and the Sun, from our point you’ll see that the Earth is relatively near the Sun as it revolves around an eccentric and stationary orbit. It is through this orbit that determines the Earth’s proximity to the mighty Sun, this also explains why we sometimes have longer nights and shorter days. APHELION, as I remember it, is the point in the orbit where the earth is furthest to the Sun that is why we have longer nights and PERIHELION is …. You guessed it right! The opposite (earth is closest to the Sun). Regardless of the earth’s spatial disposition, the mighty Sun remains STEADFAST to live up to it’s purpose ……. TO BE THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE AND TO GIVE LIGHT TO THE HEAVENLY BODIES. The planets are free to move around the stationary Sun without disrupting its astronomical Sun-ness (for a lack of a better word) because the Sun was created to be self sufficient.

In the same way, in our running away from God, darkness will lure our own planet and the Sun (Jesus) becomes invisible. The longer the darkness stays the longer we desire for warmth. Too many times we tried to hide from God but we always failed because even in our darkest nights He still gives us the moon and the stars to shine our paths. I don’t know what or who your moon and stars are but one thing is certain, despite our wandering away from God, He knows that we can never be sufficient but He will allow us to see His grace shining so brightly above our dark skies. Just as the planets are free to move around a very stable and mighty Sun, our free will sometimes pulls us away from our source of light. However, God is too omniscient to know that even if we escape from His Lordship the universe will conspire to bring us closer and closer to Him who has been there all along like that mighty Sun.

It has been a long evening for me, but the moon and the stars have made me realise how God can STILL make wonders even during my darkest nights. Far or near from the centre, I know that God remains steadfast and His grace will pull me back to His warmth and light………. Jesus is the light of this world and just as long as I am with Him I can do anything and I can be anywhere I want to be.

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, He said, “ I am the light of the
world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light
of life." John 8:12

Vanquishing My Mountains

Mountaineers have lots’a things to talk about all the majestic mountains they have painfully ascended, mostly stories of freedom. This however, made me reckon how possible it could be for someone to survive up there considering that oxygen is way thinner than it is on land. Oh well, I don’t think I could ever understand the sensation of being on top of the highest Mountain (I’m talking of Mt. Everest) because even before I reach the top, my lungs will probably have exploded….. Hello on earth to Dennie, have you ever thought that I… me… moi… will ever endevour to do that? Geesh, that’s suicidal mate! Lolz! In the spiritual realm, however, mountains are considered opportunities for advancement and growth if we can boldly command them to move. These mountains are not steadfast for the mighty hand of God can move them.

Anyway, today I would like to write about how powerful our words are or should I say that to myself? I have been a Christian since 1987, and I was only 11 at that time (HOLD IT! Don’t do the math, mate!… Yes, I’m turning 32 this year and so wut?! **sneers**) with no accomplishments to brag other than my consistent academic excellence (see I toldja, I was never humble… lolz!). Honestly, the problem about not experiencing the world before having an intimate relationship with God is that you pro’ly have a not-so-concrete comparison of how it is like to be in the world and how to experience God’s grace (anyone can think otherwise and I respect that… Look, I’m not out here to start a duel or somethin’ **winks**). So after that encounter with Jesus, I still never understood what life really was until I reached my college and working years. Life after all was a matter of choices that was what I believed in. God, I thought, gave me a great mind to be cognizant about everything I wanted to fathom. I practically relied on books and anything that was explainable, and not only that, I also justified the psychology of how it is like to be a human being in this contemporary world ---- that everybody was created as social, emotional, cognitive, and sexual beings, thus would require an allowable and acceptable exploration to feed their needs… There’s nothing wrong with those analyses but the problem was that I guess I overly explored the psychology of mankind without God’s guidance… So, I got stuck in a rut with confusions, broken relationships, depression, and emotional setbacks. All these were and still are pervading through my heart and my inner spirit ------ and so THESE ARE MY MOUNTAINS!

However, now that I have finally found my place under God’s grace, I believe that I can speak to my mountains and overcome them. Yes, I still commit mistakes and I still hurt my Jesus practically everyday (ooooppsssie! I hope Kuya Alvin is not reading this entry, otherwise, I might be forced to have another set of 12 sessions of One2One with him… kidding!). Honestly, though God knows THAT WE CAN NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM because we can never be perfect, but He knows that we can live a righteous life if we can only master the skill of commanding our weaknesses and declaring victory over our mountains. This is how I want to live my Christian life, not perfect but righteous --- commanding the grace of God to be upon me to vanquish my mountains! There is power in every single word that we utter which is why Jesus used His words to command Lazarus from the dead. Temptations are very strong and the enemy has doubled up his strength to lead me back to his legions of defeated Christians, but I will not curse the darkness instead I will command the light to come in!

It is but normal for us humans to complain and magnify the problems but this probably is the enemy’s strategy to use our mouths to declare defeat and to disprove God’s mighty power in our lives. We Christians are not immune from adversities, in fact, the enemy will all the more cause us to stumble and be tempted because he knows that God has something great in store for us if we continually bask in His presence. For I know that with every temptation that I face today, there is a God-given opportunity for me to raise up my faith to a higher level and so I will guard my mouth and teach it to always declare words of victory and not words of defeat and doubts. I will be creating a different world with the words that I will use from this day on. To my mountains, I say to you, you are only a piece of rock compared to the grandeur of my Saviour and you will never triumph for my God is mighty.

Finding Dennie

Caused by disobedience to God's commands, Jonah experienced the toughest moment of his life. Not wanting to follow God's command to go to Nineveh to preach His word, Jonah tries to avoid this command by going to another city and not to Nineveh. A huge storm arises and the sailors not realizing this is no ordinary storm, cast lots and learn that Jonah is to be blamed. Jonah admits this and states that if he is thrown off the boat the storm will cease. After being thrown overboard by the heathen sailormen, the sea calms. Jonah was miraculously saved by being swallowed by a large fish. While inside the fish's belly, Jonah prayed and God delivered him.

I was thinking if the huge fish was more of a punishment or God's grace in disguise, but honestly to me it was more of the latter. Jonah was inside that belly for days, hopeless, desperate and perhaps even suicidal -- i mean he may have developed two or more types of neuroses **thinking like Freud** in a very short span of time. Moreover, I could not possibly describe how pervasive the odour would have been inside that belly with all the algae, acid, and undigested organisms which I suppose passed through the fish's digestive tract in a not-so-peristaltic-like manner. Pardon my imagination, but Jonah would have been enough for a year long Ma ki for someone who craves for Japanese food **lolz**

In my introspection, I think that Jonah and I have something in common. My running away from God's commands has brought me nowhere; it made me think that my hapless journey will continue on until I give my last breath. However, thinking about Jonah's story, I suddenly realised that I'd rather be eaten by a big fish and experience darkness inside it than be engulfed by roaring waves. This is so because, inside that belly where there is complete darkness, no food to eat, and survival is almost nil there is only one thing I could possibly do and that is to pray and experience God's deliverance from my ordeal. God is letting me experience complete darkness today because he wants me to fully appreciate His provisions and His amazing grace. Now I remember, in one of my earlier blog entries I wrote there that my wish for this year was to experience my Jesus more than anything else in this world and if experiencing Him would mean darkness inside a fish's belly then I will stay there and wait for His salvation.

Now that I have reached rock bottom, the only thing that I can do is to look up and to look within. God's loving ways are so unpredictable, they may appear as big as the fish that swallowed Jonah but inside it deliverance is expected. In this lifetime, big fishes are out there to shelter me inside their tummies not to experience darkness nor death but to see more revelations about God's grace and His plans for me in the future.

My Salvation Testimony

As a little child, I never knew what life truly meant and how it should be lived -- for even at a young age I reckoned that life was not really fair. Afflicted with a blood disorder, I knew that I would not be able to chase my own star nor would I even take hold of my license to liberty for I would leave this world earlier than my friends…….. even way prematurely than my sisters.

But just like a well-written play or novel about one’s journey, the first milestone of my life began not when I first sucked my thumb nor struck my feet on the ground but when the Lord reached out His grace to my family and when He delivered me from a life-threatening disorder… And so off I went to my journey, yielding to the same spirit that drove the disciples to minister to the people who were afflicted with human strife, guilt, and eternal death. I became an Ambassador of Christ at such a very young age allowing myself to become a channel of His grace to those people who needed Him.

A couple of chapters of my life's journey went fairly well with my Jesus but as I grew older I saw the kingdoms of this world shining right before my innocent eyes and I loved them. So I decided to take that journey, kept my Bible in my pocket as I allowed myself get hypnotised by these earthly gems. Finally, I reached my destination. The kingdoms of this world welcomed me with a new spirit that I thought was way better and much clearer than what my Jesus had made me experience when I was younger. I slept at those kingdoms, ate with their inhabitants, chatted with them, lived with them, and became one of them. I started to become oblivious about my Jesus and tried to explore the science of my cognition and the physics of every single force and thing on this planet ----> then I started to question my Jesus and decided to keep Him not in my pocket but in a chest of insignificant and pseudo-treasures. This was when my real battle began.

I started to see the kingdoms falling apart, their mighty fortresses failed to defend them and people were crying left and right. I looked at the ground and realised that the majestic kingdoms I once adored had lost their grandeur for they were built on sinking sand. I wanted to cry for help but everyone was busy carrying and saving their worldly possessions and their self-inflicted crucifixes. Then suddenly, I realised my Jesus….. my friend whom I deliberately pushed away in my attempt to fathom everything and to explore the world outside the realm of His grace and glory. I was so weary, alone and helpless. I spent my life at those kingdoms and forgot about my Friend who was there all along watching me, patiently waiting for me to utter His wonderful name.

Then amidst the smoke hovering around the fallen kingdoms I saw His face, His smile, and His outstretched hand that were so eager to embrace me. At that point, I saw liberty, I saw hope, I saw comfort….. And suddenly He was gone again but I knew He was there. His men saw me and took me by the hand, brought me to a quiet place, and fed me. I was relieved and I felt home again. God used His men to save me from my brokenness. After years of my exodus, God delivered me and brought me back to His people --->> my fellow Christ Ambassadors. Now, I am once again eager to know my Jesus and rekindle the fire that I once had. Yes, I am weak and easy to falter but my God is mighty and His grace sustains my soul. Life is difficult but I am excited about His promises. I will never pass that road again for He has redeemed me and brought me back to the life that I once lost. I thank the Lord for my joy is immeasurable.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on
wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk
and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

My Earthly Strategies Of War

In the realms of my mighty fortress, I have found myself trapped under the bricks of the castles I constructed. The dust has blinded my eyes, the smoke has contaminated the air then right before my very eyes I saw the grandeur of my kingdom facing its ominous downfall. Tears have run down my cheeks while looking at my kingdom’s flag burning just a couple of meters away from me. I told myself that my sovereignty should not end this way and with only a few viable vertebrae working, I tried to get up to look for my scepter thinking that raising this tiny piece of metal would signal a payback time. However, my legs could not support me and they were too weak to bear my weight so I ended up being so frustrated about this disability.

Then I realised that all my earthly strategies of war, which I alone conceptualised failed me when I needed them the most. My mighty fortresses succumbed to the opponent’s valour and I was left with broken bricks around my helpless body. But it is only through this despair that I once again heard a very familiar tiny voice echoing around my kingdom. It was God’s comforting voice that suddenly lifted my soul up from this ruined land. So I laid down all my defenses and cried profusely as I screen the surrounding to search for His tiny voice.

Now, I am surrendering all that I am to Him even if it costs me everything. I would have not identified what my real battles were had I not experienced my downfall. In the middle of my battle I believe I have finally understood what Victory really means and so I surrender all my weapons of defense and lay my hopes and dreams to my Defender… my Friend… my Saviour…. my GOD! If relinquishing my earthly battles would mean sacrificing all my kingdoms, ambitions, and my other earthly gains then I will willingly give them all to the One who truly owns them. Everything I am and everything I have belongs to Him for this life I’m living is not my own. Just as Abraham laid Isaac on a sacrificial fire if all I have is all that my Creator desires then I surrender them all to Him…..

I may have lost my earthly battles, but God has redeemed me and has made me Victorious in His eyes!

Missin' You...

You came to my world just in time when everything around was full of hatred and lies. You took away my infliction and used Your hands to uncover my blinded eyes and at that moment in time I saw love. Oh how I enjoyed every single story you shared to me, our neverending conversations on how the future would look like for You and me. So I thought how selfish I could be if I wouldn’t tell others about the promises You gave me as well as the great things You showed me. So at some point, my spirit was soaring high above the heavens only because You taught me the Physics of defying gravity. Then suddenly I lost You or perhaps You lost me, the gravity has overpowered me and pulled me down to earth and back to my ever vagrant feet.

I tried to understand Your absence while nurturing the anxieties within me and during that chronic despair I remembered You saying, “I would go and prepare a place for you.” I guess I was just too happy at that time and ignored Your proverbs but in spite of that, I’m missin’ you…… I really do…. So off I go to my journey, building houses on foundations I know would soon fail me and even if I know that sometime soon I will see the place you have prepared for me still I’m missing you. Day after day, my head is filled with dreams of gaining wealth from gold, but a shallow sound of breath of my hapless soul would awaken me from this daytime slumber. Then still I would convince my heart that someday gold will fade it’s value and there will only be one thing that I will always dream of having - - - To have You back in my arms again as You lead me to the place You have prepared for both You and me…. But then again, in reality my feet are planted here on earth and gold is what making this heathen world exist, so how much longer will it be until I get to see You and Your love again? Although I know that You love me but please tell me when can I be there with You? Night after night, I look up the stars (and wish it didn’t have to be so high, sigh!) wishing that they could tell me how You really love me but even if they never give me answers, I know that somewhere behind those twinkling stars, a perfect place awaits me and I hope that in my lengthy journey that place will never be given to someone else….

It’s quarter past 10 and my day is about to end but just before I put my eyes to rest I will remember this blog to remind me of how much happiness it gave me while reminiscing my past love… Such a lovely way to remember my Love.

Oh, I’m missing you.
Lord, I’m missin’ you.